I'm going to say something now that will seem pretty ironic on a blogg (Take note Alanis Morissette) but sometimes, I really hate communicating on line.
Just recently I became single again. I broke up with a really lovely girl who had been treating me very well and with which I had a perfectly nice relationship. So why end it you may ask? Well....it was nice. Now I know some people spend their whole lives hoping for a nice relationship and who am I to hope for more? Well I have to hope. I haven't got to 36 to give up on true love now and just settle.
Get to the point mister
Ok. Well, over the last few months I began to develop feelings for a girl I've known for a long time. It was one of those situ's where it creeps up on you without you really noticing. But. I was in a relationship, and I needed to let that go through due process (romantic I know) I needed to see where it was going, if anywhere. Ultimately, the answer was nowhere, and that's why I broke it off. As soon as I broke it off my feelings for this other girl came flooding through. Evidently I had been surpressing a lot whilst in the relationship out of respect for my girlfriend. For a month before I had been convincing myself my feelings for the other woman (lets call her walker-girl) was just a silly crush. We are very different people and I tried to convince myself it couldn't work.
Then of course, I broke up with the girl I was seeing.
After a weeks of tieing myself in knots thinking and rethinking and over-thinking walker-girl I realised I was getting way in front of myself. All I needed to know was that I was attracted to her. I couldn't know whether we'd get on in a capactity that was more than just friends unless we spent some time with just the two of us.
I intended to wait a respectful few weeks before I made any sort of move on her but alcohol and facebook came in to play. Groan.
So, idiot that I am, I told her about my feelings via the wonderful medium that is facebook chat after a few beers. Facebook chat, with all it's fascinating quirks such as pretending you're writing for an hour and a half or telling everyone you're off line when you're not, is not the best or easiest way to communicate really.
So the discussion turned into a facebook message-fest rather than a chat.
All so easily misconstrued. So easy for what should be a light conversation to turn in to something uncomfortably intense. So difficult to have a heart-to-heart.
The conversation turned badly for me. Although I was 99% certain walker-girl had feelings for me she was using every excuse under the sun to not go on a simple date. And if I argued with her about it I would just seem intense and creepy. So when she asked if we could stay friends or was it too difficult, I told her it was too difficult.
But then...we both turned up to the sunday walk in the group we are members of. I was distant. We needed to have a chat but we couldn't do it with 20 other walkers around us. We exchanged glances. Even walked close to each other. We joined in a threeway conversation without really talking to each other.
Ridiculous.
So after the walk I called after her. Handed her the book I had promised to lend to her the week before. She looked sad. We had not had our usual daft jokey time on the walk where I would flirt and she would look pleased that I was paying her attention. She had told me how much I made her laugh and today, I hadn't done that at all with her.
So I asked again. In person. To her face. The way it's meant to be. "Meet me for a drink"
"Yes" she said. She smiled at me. Leaned towards me. She looked like she really wanted some physical contact. I should touch her arm. Stroke her face, maybe. Perhaps even kiss her. Instead we just exchanged a long deep look in to each others eyes.
I told her not to look so scared. She said she was scared, that she hadn't dated in a long time. I reminded her that I had asked her to meet me for a drink, not to bear my children.
I know she will continue to over-think this, but hopefully we will get to meet, where we can talk things out and get to know each other better, rather than messing things up with silly on-line conversations.
As much as I love the t'interweb, it really is not a great place to conduct your romantic life. Much better to just hunt your latest squeeze down on facebook, then organise to leave cyber space together and enter the real world.
